Kevin's
Blog:
Waking
Up, Finally
I
had my second post almost done and realised I needed to acknowledge
how much the positive feedback means to me. I'd also like to
acknowledge my family and others who have love for me. They have
played such a massive role in my still being alive, in a meaning way
at least. The attention that my first blog post has been given
is a shock. I am truly stunned by the amount and quality of
feedback it has received, both on the original post and the ten
or so follow up shares. I have rarely been so humbled in
my life. The messages of support and solidarity are of
profound significance to me, I am moved. I made the right
choice by writing this, frightening though it was.
This
post won't be brief like the first, bare with me.
In
the previous blog entry I wrote about being in crisis. This is
true, however by putting things into context you will see that
an existential crisis is a good thing compared with
where I was. It is my intention to end this post on a positive
note. I want to get the sad stuff out of the way. Let
what I say be two symbolic middle fingers directed at the
fear in my heart. That fear has held me back long enough,
no more.
March 17th of this year was probably the low point of my adult life. Nothing stands out for me about that day accept for what I wrote in my notepad that evening. I won't repeat it but suffice to say, it was ugly. It's one of those things about your internal critic, you never know when it will turn up or why. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever said or written about anyone and it was about me. We are our own worst enemies at times. The mind can be a scary thing left to it's own vice's. It's the little things that make the difference, for me anyway. On this occasion, the thing that stopped me from doing something terribly unfortunate was the photo of my first nephew on the wall above my computer. I could not bare to think I'd be the first source of major trauma in his young life. His photo is there for those dark moments when despair hits hardest. Thanks again buddy.
So, for context. I was in a personal hell. I was hating myself. I was doubting my worth. A part of me was done with life and had had enough. What happened to me happens to many people. I became isolated to the point of being emotionally sick and spiritually disconnected from other people. How I let that situation arise I do not know. I remember growing up thinking I'd always have people around me. The problem was I couldn't see that the biggest enemy to my own happiness was me. As I've been on the way up from my emotional rock bottom, I have learned that a crisis is a major upgrade from a living hell.
When faced with grief and trauma sometimes a person can develop bad coping mechanisms, in my case extreme denial. An example of my denial in action was my attitude toward children. While I always have and always will love my Nieces and Nephews, I had convinced myself that I didn't have the remotest interest in having my own children, ever. I was using denial as a means of avoiding the stark reality of my isolation. It's easier to face something by pretending you don't want it, than asking the difficult question of how will I get it. Up until the last few months I was just to down on everything to face tough philosophical questions or examine what my wants, needs, and desires were.. This crisis is about the loss of a coping mechanism (a destructive one). It's as if I've woken up from a dream and hit the psychological reset button.
Now the good news. The change of circumstance I alluded to in the first post. Sometimes it only takes one person to change things for the better. I have been recently blessed with two people that have come into my life and have helped change things for me in a fundamental way. These two people know who they are, so I don't have to mention them by name. I realise this is a really massive thing to say but they have saved my life. They really have, I had given up on myself and was on the way out mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. They have come into my life and shattered the mirror I was viewing myself in. That mirror was damaged and distorted. The distorted image of myself I saw in it was one I had come to hate. The self I saw wasn't really me, just what the distortion made me appear to be. The 'mirror' is a representation of my self image or self perception, the way in which I view myself in the world. These two deeply beautiful individuals in there own ways have helped to restore my sense of self worth. Without a feeling of value as a person, I could not live very long. They have helped in a way I can't adequately empress in words, I'm deeply grateful for their presence. I'm also grateful to my family for helping me stick around long enough for things to turn the corner. I think I'm waking up, finally. Until next time. Peace and Love to you, Kevin J
March 17th of this year was probably the low point of my adult life. Nothing stands out for me about that day accept for what I wrote in my notepad that evening. I won't repeat it but suffice to say, it was ugly. It's one of those things about your internal critic, you never know when it will turn up or why. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever said or written about anyone and it was about me. We are our own worst enemies at times. The mind can be a scary thing left to it's own vice's. It's the little things that make the difference, for me anyway. On this occasion, the thing that stopped me from doing something terribly unfortunate was the photo of my first nephew on the wall above my computer. I could not bare to think I'd be the first source of major trauma in his young life. His photo is there for those dark moments when despair hits hardest. Thanks again buddy.
So, for context. I was in a personal hell. I was hating myself. I was doubting my worth. A part of me was done with life and had had enough. What happened to me happens to many people. I became isolated to the point of being emotionally sick and spiritually disconnected from other people. How I let that situation arise I do not know. I remember growing up thinking I'd always have people around me. The problem was I couldn't see that the biggest enemy to my own happiness was me. As I've been on the way up from my emotional rock bottom, I have learned that a crisis is a major upgrade from a living hell.
When faced with grief and trauma sometimes a person can develop bad coping mechanisms, in my case extreme denial. An example of my denial in action was my attitude toward children. While I always have and always will love my Nieces and Nephews, I had convinced myself that I didn't have the remotest interest in having my own children, ever. I was using denial as a means of avoiding the stark reality of my isolation. It's easier to face something by pretending you don't want it, than asking the difficult question of how will I get it. Up until the last few months I was just to down on everything to face tough philosophical questions or examine what my wants, needs, and desires were.. This crisis is about the loss of a coping mechanism (a destructive one). It's as if I've woken up from a dream and hit the psychological reset button.
Now the good news. The change of circumstance I alluded to in the first post. Sometimes it only takes one person to change things for the better. I have been recently blessed with two people that have come into my life and have helped change things for me in a fundamental way. These two people know who they are, so I don't have to mention them by name. I realise this is a really massive thing to say but they have saved my life. They really have, I had given up on myself and was on the way out mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. They have come into my life and shattered the mirror I was viewing myself in. That mirror was damaged and distorted. The distorted image of myself I saw in it was one I had come to hate. The self I saw wasn't really me, just what the distortion made me appear to be. The 'mirror' is a representation of my self image or self perception, the way in which I view myself in the world. These two deeply beautiful individuals in there own ways have helped to restore my sense of self worth. Without a feeling of value as a person, I could not live very long. They have helped in a way I can't adequately empress in words, I'm deeply grateful for their presence. I'm also grateful to my family for helping me stick around long enough for things to turn the corner. I think I'm waking up, finally. Until next time. Peace and Love to you, Kevin J
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